by Don Nash,
Unknown News
May 17, 2005
Following a series of lengthy interviews with returning U.S. military and intelligence personnel, it has been concluded and determined that the following are the top ten favorite torture techniques as used by our troops in the theater of operations known as “the Iraq preemption.”
About these findings: Extensive surveys were used in establishing the criteria and all aspects of “intense detainee interrogation” procedures were examined. The numbers were systematically crunched and sorted by category, type, preference, efficacy, duration, pain management, induced nausea, induced states of delusional semi-consciousness, rational response time, irrational non-verbal pleadings, and audibly measured screaming effects.
In compiling these numbers, it must be concluded that actual intelligence gleaned vis-a-vie actual usable intelligence produces no significant means for measuring efficacy of responding technique. It bottom lines this way -- the listing of methodology applied, as opposed to methods in actual practice, translates into personal preference only and no other conclusions should be drawn from the study.
Additional studies may produce quite different results and the options for further examinations should be forwarded to Congress for funding. Congressional oversight not withstanding, pushing ahead with this groundbreaking research could prove valuable as far as it is extended into the next possible preemption and/or cause and effect for furthering hostile actions that may or may not be deemed valuable at the time of operations to commence.
It may be further concluded that stealth operations will comprise an optional segment of preliminary actions that may/may not be optional or available at the time of received go signals. There may be minimal advance notice of pending operations and the political advisability would therefore option the stealth nature of missions. Translatable down the chain of command options and inter-transitory nature of communications and basic command structures would therefore be under go/no go parameters.
By your command,
Col. Ramsey 'Wooly' Lothbridge
U.S. Psy-Ops Command
Fort Clandestine, Virginia
© by the author.
What do you think?
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#10
Put detainee in chair in large resonating preferably steel room. Tie detainee in chair. Bring in amplified chalkboard. With metal “fingernails” in hand, run nails down amplified chalkboard using 15lbs. applied tonsorial pressure. Rated as excellent by interviewees. Some impromptu innovation techniques were tested with moderate results. Overall assessment -- use until subject's ears bleed.
#9
Place detainee in small metal room with straight back chair bolted to floor. Tie detainee to chair. Insert mostly naked female interrogator into room. Turn up thermostat for room and have interrogator question detainee. Very little impromptu innovative techniques tested. Overall assessment -- minimal results but a favorite with troops.
#8
Bolt detainee to floor of walk-in refrigerator. Interrogator will dress in appropriate winter gear. Speed of questioning is of the essence in this scenario. Very little need for impromptu innovative technique but, speed is essential. Overall assessment -- another favorite with the troops but, useable intelligence deemed minimal. The troops call this the insurgent-sicle.
#7
Chain detainee to the floor in small television room. Detainee is made to kneel on cinderblocks. Detainee is then forced to watch a continual loop of Britney Spears's music videos. Little need for impromptu innovative technique. Overall assessment -- little useable intelligence to be gleaned following this procedure as detainee is generally reduced to babbling. Troops assessed this technique as “adequate” in quick-time breaking down of resistant detainees.
#6
Same initial procedure is followed as in number 7. This is however, called the "Paris" option. Detainee is forced to watch episodes of The Simple Life, starring Paris Hilton. Serious drawbacks are encountered in using this technique as, the detainees generally are suicidal after these sessions. Overall assessment -- little useable intelligence can be obtained with this technique but, it gives the troops a good laugh and is considered “one whole lot of fun.”
#5
Detainee is placed in middle sized room and is stripped to their shorts. Detainee is hobbled and then forced to endure the “Papal” option. Detainee is beaten with a papal miter forcibly about the face and neck. Extreme caution must be used when this technique is employed. Serious religious hysteria can be induced and useable intelligence is then squandered. Overall assessment -- this is an excellent technique when in the right hands. The application of the "Papal" option must be applied judiciously.
#4
Detainee is shackled at the bottom of an empty swimming pool. This operation is known as “hose "em” and must be monitored closely. The technique combines the best applications of water boarding and simple fire hose brutality. When routinely applied, this produces copious amounts of intelligence. Rated as “pure cool” by our troops. Overall assessment -- considering the drowning restraints that are inherent with this technique, it's use is still under advisement. However, this one is rated as four stars with the operatives and a filled swimming pool when spray time is over is considered a real plus.
#3
Detainee is turned loose inside a corral erected inside a hanger. The detainee is then forced to run the gauntlet of operatives armed with live cattle prods. This technique is known as “run piggy run” and is quite popular with our troops. This is another technique that must be monitored closely as the troops will get just a mite lively with the prods. Serious bodily injury can be induced and useable intelligence is then not to be obtained. Overall assessment -- when tight reins are kept on the operatives, this is a highly effective technique and produces confessions as well as useable intelligence. This one gets a two thumbs up with our troops.
#2
Detainee is chained to a chair in a sound proof room. Operatives will then attach electrodes to various exposed parts of the detainee's body and apply electricity to the “wires.” Detainee is given intermittent charges at random voltages. This technique is highly effective on the “hard-core” detainee and produces excellent intelligence as well as confessions. The operatives call this technique “face time with Sparky.” Overall assessment -- the technique is easily mastered by the troops and produces very reasonable results. It is highly desirable in "real time" scenario. The produced intelligence ratio is at 4 to 1 and holds high regard in the field.
And, the number one top ten favorite torture technique ...
#1
Detainee is stripped and shackled hand and foot and placed dead center in a fair puddle of water. Electrodes are planted as opposed to placed, on the vital points of the detainee's body. Particular attention is given to placement in sensitive genital areas and these areas are considered the prime locations for placement. An elevated use of amperage is essential to the efficacy of this technique. Time intervals for applying voltage would be extended and the detainee is “gagged” to avoid excessive noise interference. The operatives and troops are most fond of this technique and they refer to this procedure as “juice the goose.” Overall assessment -- this would be the preferred procedure and could be considered as the technique to use in just about any and all scenarios. Time constraints are minimized and intelligence is considered to be optimal. This technique is rated as two thumbs up and five stars effective. The “juice the goose” technique is an extended and efficient manner in which to "torture" any and all detainees and the only measured drawback would be violations of the stealth protocols. Civilians just don't have the stomach for rapid deployment of techniques and this means should be considered as highly “mums the word.”
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