Statehood for Iraq!
by HappySysiphus, Unknown News
June 14, 2005
Hey, I know this is absolutely nuts, but why don't we just try to turn this thing on its ass and demand not only that the U.S. remain in possession of Iraq FOREVER but also that Iraq be put on the path to statehood immediately.
Then all of the Iraqi people that are sooo glad to wake up every morning and see an American mini-gun in their faces can get representation in the government that is ACTUALLY GOVERNING THEM.
Has this sunk in to your brain yet? We, the people of the United States of America, in 2005, own MESOPOTAMIA!!! Cradle of civilization, home of the world's sexiest deposits of The Black Fuel, formerly under the brutal, war-justifying dictatorship of a young man who grew up in a mud hut and got in with the wrong crowd of CIA agents (you know, the reckless, rogue element that keeps tarnishing the reputation of the agency with these brutal killings and interferences with democracy and, holy shit, Ho Chi Minh, the last misguided leader we got into this kind of shit with, worked for these unruly rascals and deviants too. When will we ever put a stop to this kind of FREAKISHLY ABNORMAL abuse of power? tsk tsk)
Look, the point is that in Iraq and even to an extent in Viet Nam the everyday joes were being governed in part or in whole by the U.S. government, because our military commanders are "in charge wherever they go" on account of most of them had that phrase tattooed on their asses at "The Point" during "It's not gay because your ass is government property" night.
I'm saying that American military occupation is military government and what is an American if not a man or woman governed by the U.S. Government. So what is needed is for America to welcome Iraq with open arms into the embrace of statehood.
Just imagine the patriotic pride swelling in a nation absolutely smothered with 51-star American flags! Children would wave the bold new flags from passing cars and shout "YOO HOOOOooo! We got fifty one states! We got fifty-one states!"
Gaze dumbfounded at the new lower fares to Baghdad from Washington and back as Congressional delegations travel frequently between their home districts and the Beltway.
Marvel at how fast your wife leaves you for some Iraqi American with 4 billion $$ in oil money and 700 other wives that all get jets.
Enjoy a deep belly laugh at the fact that when you vacation in our new state, halfway around the world, the cab drivers are still from Pakistan.
And then the poor little children we've been bombing and starving to death can get into Head Start and have a chance at getting into a good school so they can be ahead of the pack when, fingers crossed, they sheepishly apply to the Barnes&Noble StarBucks.
That's right, people: Statehood. Think about it. It makes as much sense as anything else these days.
© by the author.
What do you think?
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The Pentagon-approved 51-star flag
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Gaze dumbfounded at the new lower fares to Baghdad from Washington and back as Congressional delegations travel frequently between their home districts and the Beltway.
Marvel at how fast your wife leaves you for some Iraqi American with 4 billion $$ in oil money and 700 other wives that all get jets.
Enjoy a deep belly laugh at the fact that when you vacation in our new state, halfway around the world, the cab drivers are still from Pakistan.
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