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Our phone number
by Helen & Harry Highwater,
Unknown News
Aug. 26, 2005
"Is this Harry?" Yeah. "Kiss
your ass goodbye." [Sound of gunshots]
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A few years back, as punishment for publishing a pro-peace pro-freedom weblog, we started receiving threats and insults by phone. "I'm gonna do America a favor and slit your throat while you're sleeping." [Click]
Anyone whose life is so dull they're entertained by emailing or phoning death threats is probably harmless in the real world, but it's still a disquieting interruption when the phone rings while we're watching THE SIMPSONS. "You unAmerican fuck, I'm going to shoot you through the skull and then kick your lifeless stinkin' corpse around the block." [Click]
It's not something any loving husband wants his wife to suffer through when she answers the phone. "Fuck off and die." [Click]
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I can't afford therapy, but boy do I need it. So as an affordable alternative, I've decided to start pounding my anger into a weekly column here.
Fair warning: My parents were repressed -- using any bad words would get my mouth washed out with soap, literally. I still remember the sickly flavor of DoveTM. So as an adult, vulgarity helps with the healing. If naughty language offends you, beat the rush and get offended now.
This page is for my own good, not yours, so you may not like it, but I don't care.
About the authors
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Helen and Harry Highwater have published Unknown News since 1997. We're a married couple sharing a byline à la Lennon and McCartney, and "I" can be either of us, or both of us. If you're consumed by curiosity, it's safe to assume the more boisterous and aggressive bits come from Helen, and anything ladylike or demure is probably Harry's work.
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So when we moved from Kansas City to Madison a year ago, I updated our domain registration, and listed 555-1212 as our phone number. That's the number for directory assistance.
After a year free from hate calls, we've now been informed that "due to a complaint" our domain will be cancelled in 15 days if
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we don't list a real phone number. It's required by ICANN, or so we've been told.
We're not "phone people," and we don't take phone calls unless you're friend, family, or employer. It's very easy to contact us, though: Our email address is all over the website, our postal address is listed, and we'll answer any complaints phrased more intelligently than "You'll be dead by this time tomorrow."
But now, "due to a complaint," we have to provide our phone number or lose the website? ICANN's requirement might make sense for a business website, but whatever the rule's purpose, the complaint is almost certainly intended to let some emotionally retarded psychopath taunt and threaten us. Picture me yawning ... but we keep our guns loaded, just in case.
Sorry, we don't take phone calls about the website. Expressing our political opinions doesn't mean we're inviting every American nutball to call us at home and chat about it.
We've been thinking about getting a cell phone, just for emergency calls, so I guess we'll pick a plan and sign up over the weekend. And we'll get some use out of it, carrying the cell phone occasionally while running late-night errands or something. But 99% of the time, the cell phone will sit in my desk, with the ringer switched off. It'll cost us money we don't have, but what else is new?
We won't answer the cell phone, unless my wife is calling me or I'm calling her. If the dang device takes messages, we'll delete them at the first sign of rudeness. And strangers who want to let us know they've hidden explosives in our oven, or the more mundane insane who just want to say "Fuck you" a hundred times, will still have to type it and send it in an email.
And of course, whoever complained about our domain registration and wants to make more harassing phone calls, you'll still be a pathetic dickless coward, a dribbling moron, and a lifelong virgin.
And we'll still be publishing Unknown News, twice weekly.
© by the author.
What do you think?
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Say it with a bumper sticker:
$3 each, or two for $5
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