On behalf of God Himself, I endorse Alito for Supreme Court
Press release, Jerry Falwell MinistriesNov. 1, 2005
I want to thank the Bush administration for consulting with Me before making this nomination, and for taking My recommendation that they nominate Judge Samuel Alito Jr.
On the sin of equality, Judge Alito has repeatedly written against the "unwarranted extension of anti-discrimination laws." There can be little doubt that Judge Alito understands the original intent of the authors of the Constitution -- most of whom owned slaves, after all, and thus knew better than anyone that the color of a man's skin determines his worth.
On the sin of abortion, and the sin of women's rights, Judge Alito's position is clear. He took a principled stand in the 1992 case of Planned Parenthood v. Casey,
supporting a Pennsylvania law requiring any woman to inform her husband before aborting her baby, presumably requiring a notarized note from the woman's husband before the woman's doctor could perform the abortion. Many liberals have shrieked and whined, as liberals do, that this shows Judge Alito's hostility toward abortion. And it does, of course. But in a broader sense it is even better, for it also shows Judge Alito's belief in the Biblical and Constitutional standard that a wife is her husband's property. It's in the Bible, people, and if it isn't in the Constitution it ought to be!
On the war on drugs, Judge Alito wrote, in Doe v. Groody, that police officers were within their proper powers when they strip-searched a mother and her ten-year-old daughter. The search warrant had authorized only the search of a man and his home, but it was a narcotics case, and the girl or her mother could, after all, have been hiding contraband in their hoochies. I beseech you, as it is written in My Bible, if not yours, when police no longer have the right to perform strip-searches and body-cavity-searches on pre-pubescent girls, we have taken claims of "civil rights" far, far too far. Remember, Alito is Italian for "life in prison."
On the sacred rights of corporations, Judge Alito's paper trail is unmistakable. His judicial writings have consistently embraced penny-ante limits on corporate liability, easy and easily-revoked employee rights, low, low limits on federal regulation of corporate activity, and a higher threshold of evidence to prove that pollution really does any damage.
On the sacred right to harassment, Judge Alito ruled correctly that it is unConstitutional for public school policies to protect students from harassment based on their sexual orientation are unConstitutional. In this case, a school district had unBiblically punished a student for the simple, Christ-like act of taunting other students who claimed to be homersexual, or who looked like they might be homersexuals. "There is no 'harassment exception' to the First Amendment's free speech clause," Judge Alito wrote, in words that should be edited right into the Bible. Praise the Lord and taunt the homos!
On the right to bear arms, Judge Alito was the sole dissenting vote when the Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit, on which he sits, tragically upheld the authority of Congress to ban automatic machine guns. This shows that Judge Alito respects the original intent of the Founding Fathers and Virgin Mother, to ensure that every American has the right to own, carry, and use a weapon that can fire a good, healthy nine or ten bullets per second, or 550 rounds per minute.
Judge Alito, like Judge Dredd, is a man who decides decisively and knows best and anyway, who the hell are you to question him? Judge Alito attends church, gives tithes and offerings, and believes the Bible is not to be questioned, read, or understood -- it is to be lived by, or else.
Sitting on the 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals, Judge Alito has established a record that Christ Himself would envy -- antagonism towards civil rights, women's rights, privacy rights, and separation of church and state. He has shown a strong devotion to the rights of white men, particularly white men who are wealthy. He is a member in good standing of the Federalist Society, a gaggle of good-old-boy lawyers and law students that calls loudly for a limited role for the nation's judges (while whispering softly that the Bible should settle matters, more than the Constitution). On the conservative rightwing, Judge Alito is so beloved that we who know him in a Biblical sense call him by a special nickname: "Scalito," a loving reference to Justice Antonin Scalia.
So I thank God, and God thanks Me, for President Bush's nomination of Judge Alito to fill the vacancy caused by the appointment of that harlot Sandra Day O'Connor, and, praise the Lord, the harlot's long-awaited resignation. May she burn in Hell forever.
On behalf of Jerry Falwell Ministries and the entire Jerry Falwell corporate empire, I enthusiastically endorse Judge Alito for a lifetime position deciding what's right and wrong, who the Constitution protects and who goes to prison because the Constitution certainly doesn't protect them.
If the nutball liberal left tries to block My buddy Scalito's appointment to the Supreme Court, I pray that God will smite them. Smite anyone, oh Lord, anyone and everyone who would object to Judge Alito, or even ask any questions about this godly man. All such heathens are clearly outside the mainstream of rightwing Christian American life, and deserve eternal smiting, as it is written in the Bibletution.
Hello? It's not funny, but it's satire. Jerry Falwell didn't write the above, though I think he would if he was an honest man. But of course, if he was an honest man, he wouldn't be Jerry Falwell ...
I can't afford therapy, but boy do I need it. So as an affordable alternative, I pound my anger into a weekly column here.
Fair warning: My parents were repressed -- using any bad words would get my mouth washed out with soap, literally. I still remember the sickly flavor of DoveTM. So as an adult, vulgarity helps with the healing. If naughty language offends you, beat the rush and get offended now.
This page is for my own good, not yours, so you may not like it, but I don't care.
About the authors
Helen and Harry Highwater have published Unknown News since 1997. We're a married couple sharing a byline à la Lennon and McCartney, and "I" can be either of us, or both of us. If you're consumed by curiosity, it's safe to assume the more boisterous and aggressive bits come from Helen, and anything ladylike or demure is probably Harry's work.
