-- BROADSPECTRUM MEDIA ANALYSIS --
!SYSTEM ALERT!
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by HappySysiphus, Unknown News
May 9, 2007
Dateline:America:2007 -- For the first time since their construction in 1974,
the Very Small Array of Bullshit Sensors at the
National Center for Broad-spectrum Media Analysis have
registered a "Whopper," that is a media pattern (also
called a news story) that is scientifically so far
from the land of plausibility, so unlikely in its
facility at furthering hackneyed characterizations
known to be administration darlings, that it is in
fact almost certainly a bunch of steaming green
horseshit.
"WHO's Propaganda Pie are we Eating heRe?" read the
celebratory T-shirts now available to the Federally
Contracted Employees at the NCBMA, on a compulsory
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Serdar Tatar, left, is seen in an artist's drawing during a court appearance before Magistrate Joel Schneider, right, at the U.S. District Courthouse in Camden, N.J., Tuesday, May 8, 2007. Tatar is one of six foreign-born Muslims who were arrested and accused Tuesday of plotting to attack the Army's Fort Dix and massacre scores of U.S. soldiers. (AP Photo/Andrea Shepard)
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basis, vis-a-vis their contracts, for a small fee.
"So far, since I've been monitoring these things, if
any Propagandists or yellow journalists were operating
in the national media they always did a thorough job
of fabricating their news so that it didn't set off
the [Very Small] Array," says Dr. Ernesta Gouldman,
Mother, and Chief Scientist at the center since 1988.
With her elbows on the table she scoops creamed corn
out of a segmented tray in the NCBMA cafeteria. The
cafeteria is electric; on the edge of giggles. There
is only one word on every mind there: DIX.
"The attack was AIMED at our DIX!" someone in the line
yells out to the geek-filled, multi-purpose lunchroom. Many at the benches throw food.
Dr. Gouldman coyly comes to their defense, "We try to
let them have their fun. You see, most of our
researchers are two or more standard deviations of the
norm above average intelligence, and have training in
media literacy, and they don't believe in God, so they
are able to see these things with a MUCH greater
sensitivity than the Array itself."
The Very Small Array of bullshit sensors was designed
by scientists in the 1960's to serve as a warning to
government propagandists that their lies had gotten
dangerously stupid; so stupid in fact, to quote the
founding documents, "...that no self respecting retard
could possibly believe that shit."
The array exists to statistically model and identify
transgressions into that ignoble territory.
It took more than thirty years, and a fake-ass news
story complete with an "Unsung," blue-collar hero,
about the FBI protecting an army fort named DIX, (Get
it) from about a dozen "Izlamazoids" who were trying
to buy black market m-16s from a place where they were never
going to get them anyway, but that story came
Tuesday... and finally the muffled ears of the Array
"heard peep."
"We were watching this one near the monitors... umm...
where we bet," chuckles Monica Sailerman, the center's
Ombudswoman and Litigation Specialist.
According to Ms. Sailerman, there is a storied office
tradition of employees betting cold cash that and when
a certain story will or won't cross the threshold
first.
"This one had a lot of elements that brought in a lot
of heavy money within the first few minutes," said
Sailerman. "First it was the accounts that one of the
Arab suspects had supposedly been overheard saying
something like, 'That's when you go jihad.' Then it was
all, 'the moral of the story is that a hardworking
citizen just like you stopped this tragedy by calling
the cops on suspicious Arabs.' Then it was the whole
way the reporters were acting almost like the attack
had occurred and succeeded with some devastating
effect, when in fact we're talking about a full blown
military base vs. a few pizza-delivering immigrants
who WANTED to get some guns and HOPED that if they
managed to acquire them they would THEN be able to
create a devastating effect on A MILITARY BASE. Not
exactly a bomb in the center of a shopping mall."
Dr. Gouldman chimes in, "Those military men are
trained and armed to defend themselves and that base
against an enemy like the Russian Army, right? And the
Associated Press is acting like it's 'Lincoln Got
Shot' cause a few guys were going to try to shoot at
it and utterly failed. Please. And a heroic citizen
gave them away?"
In the end it was a dirty joke that gave the
propagandists up to the Very Small Array.
According to analysts, the whole thing being centered
around a threat to "DIX" was what provided the story
with enough statistical weight to finally register on
the antennae's muted sensors.
"They told us that Muslims with pizza delivery jobs
had threatened to shoot at our dicks," Dr. Gouldman
says as she dabs gravy from the corner of her mouth.
"And sure enough the old girl finally heard peep...
any self respecting retard..."
She shakes her head and we all stare off blankly into
the random spaces of the cafeteria.
© by the author.
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"We're talking about a full blown military base vs. a few pizza-delivering immigrants who WANTED to get some guns and HOPED that if they managed to acquire them they would THEN be able to create a devastating effect on A MILITARY BASE. Not exactly a bomb in the center of a shopping mall."
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