|
|
The ides of idolatry, or ...
A song for Huckabee!
by Don Nash, Unknown News
January 8, 2008
It came to pass in the days of wanton excess, that Mooses wandered
alone in the wilderness. Mooses being unable to tolerate the
ignorance and profane arrogance of all
|
his brethren, headed for the
deep unknown and well, wandered.
Mooses contemplated all things. He contemplated life, the
universe, political corruption, and the lint in his navel. Being prone to deep thinking and quiet, he felt it best to get the hell
away from the noise and distractions that had plagued his existence.
In short, people.
Mooses wandered forty days and forty nights and fed on lichen, lizard
eggs, the occasional peyote button, a psilocybin 'shroom or so, and
several large pseudocarp. Now pseudocarp can be a mite bony but,
when put to the flames of sage wood and some natural salt, tastes
remarkably like chicken.
So Mooses wandered and thought and wandered and stubbed his toes and
wandered and tripped and wandered and hell, you can catch the drift
here. Mooses was in his wandering for the long haul. Answers can at
times be a touch elusive. As can a good steak when wandering the
parts unknown.
So it came to pass that as Mooses wandered his wandering, he came
upon a burning scrub branch. It also came to pass that as Mooses
pondered the burning scrub branch, the 'Voice
|
|
"People of planet earth, you've got
it all wrong! You're not supposed to hate one another. You're not
supposed to kill one another. You're not supposed to spread lies as
gospel and you're sure as hell not supposed to listen to anyone
that would advise you otherwise. ..."
"The political demagogues that would
cloak themselves in religion are worse than the hypocrites that bomb
and kill using the name of the Most High. Knock that crap off!"
|
|
|
|
|
of the Lard' spoke
unto Mooses from the burning scrub branch.
"Hey dummy!" spoke the 'Voice of the Lard'. "Bet you wish you'd left
those peyote buttons alone now."
"Well yeah, I suppose I should have just left them be but, damn!
There's not much to grub on way out here." Thus spoke the voice of
Mooses.
You see, what we've got here is dueling spokes, and you'll all need
to get yourselves a program to keep track of the spokes, spoken, and
written words as opposed to just your everyday run-of-the-mill mild
mannered plagiarisms. You can buy your programs in the lobby at
intermission. Only cost you twenty bucks and hell, that's cheap at
twice the price. Okay so, back to our narrative.
Mooses spoke unto the 'Voice of the Lard', "Hey, what's up?"
The 'Voice of the Lard' spoke back unto Mooses, "What's up? I'll tell
you what's up -- you! Your time's up and the 'Lard' has decided that
you've wasted enough time wandering around out here and now it's time
to get down to some serious shit. If you'll quite staring at that
silly burning scrub branch and look right here, we can get down to
brass tacks."
You see, the burning scrub was just a left over from the last range
fire that happens in those deep wilderness places each and every
summer and Mooses being just a might deranged and stinking from being
in the deep wilderness and eating what the hell ever he could find,
is and was, just a bit off his feed so to speak. Spoke?
So Mooses looked around the burning scrub branch and what to his
wondering eyes should appear? The 'Voice of the Lard', that's what.
There in angelic regalia and wearing a red "Manteca" tee-shirt, stood
the official 'Voice of the Lard'. Yup, so let it be written so let it
be done. Or something like that.
Then spoke Mooses unto the 'Voice of the Lard', "hey, you're not
going to strike me dumb or blind or something worse than that are
you? You're not going to have me waterboarded are you?"
"Hey dummy! Dummy up for a minute." Thus spoke the 'Voice of the
Lard'. "I'm being serious here. Shut the hell up and listen. This is
some important shit and I haven't got the time for bantering word
games with the dirty smelly likes of you. Criminy, you think I like
having to chase your dumb behind around the freaking wilderness for
lack of something better to do? So shut up and listen or I'll sit you
down and shut you up!"
You see, the 'Voice of the Lard' disliked immensely having to chase
down wandering deep thinking types like Mooses. It disturbed the
official 'Voice of the Lard' and he/she/it could get quite testy when
pressed.
Thus spoke the 'Voice of the Lard', "it's taken me forty days and
forty nights to catch up with you and you need a bath! Criminy, you
stink! Now, as the official 'Voice of the Lard', I need you to listen
carefully and write this all down. This is important and I may have
mentioned that previously. The 'Lard' is mightily pissed off with the
world and all it's politics. The 'Lard' has decided to have some
commandments reworked, retooled, properly spun for political
correctness, and maybe just maybe, you dummies might at last get the
message."
Thus spoke Mooses, "Okay go!"
Thus spoke the 'Voice of the Lard', "Got a pencil and paper?"
Thus spoke Mooses, "Um, well, yeah right here."
Thus spoke the 'Voice of the Lard', "Well use them and write this down!"
Thus spoke Mooses, "Oh-tay! Ready and shoot!"
Thus spoke the 'Voice of the Lard', "Don't tempt me."
Again, the 'Voice of the Lard'... "People of planet earth, you've got
it all wrong! You're not supposed to hate one another. You're not
supposed to kill one another. You're not supposed to spread lies as
gospel and you're sure as hell not supposed to listen to anyone
that would advise you otherwise. The political demagogues that would
cloak themselves in religion are worse than the hypocrites that bomb
and kill using the name of the Most High. Knock that crap off!"
"Torture in the name of the Most High is beyond acceptability!
Suicide bombing in the name of the Most High is beyond acceptability!
Apartheid is unacceptable and that stinking wall of apartheid in
the Holy Land is obscene and unacceptable!"
"George Bush is a liar and mass murderer, as is Tony Blair. They do
NOT represent the Most High nor does the Most High condone or
sanction anything they've done as holy or democratic! You got that?
Ehud Olmert is nuts! Nancy Pelosi is lost beyond salvation and the
U.S. Congress both House and Senate, are full of thieves and
warmongers! Clean up thine own House before attempting to clean
another's house."
"Huckabee is a Pharisee and McCain is a Sadducee. The Israelis are
turned into Nazis and the Evangelicals, the Most High does NOT know.
Religion as tyranny is an abomination before the Most High and
demagogue preachers will burn in hell."
"Are you getting all this?" Thus spoke the 'Voice of the Lard'.
Thus spoke Mooses, "Yeah, but people aren't going to like it. I'll
get hung or worse for even trying to bring this message unto the
people."
Thus spoke the 'Voice of the Lard', "Yeah, well, that's not my problem."
Thus spoke Mooses, "Thanks."
Thus spoke the 'Voice of the Lard', "Listen, nobody has paid any
attention to the true meaning as to anything the Most High has had to
say for thousands of years. Things are most likely
not going to change anytime soon. That's not my or your problem.
Look, you came out to the freaking boondocks for answers to your
pressing questions and you're getting them now. It's not up to me to
make any sense of all this for you. Suck it up for hell sakes. This
isn't rocket science, it's spiritual enlightenment. So be enlightened
and spread the enlightenment wherever you happen to go. Where that
is, makes about no difference to me. Criminy, stop being such a whiner!"
Thus spoke Mooses, "Fine!"
Thus spoke the 'Voice of the Lard', "One last thing. Try being good
to one another or at least try to manage a little half-assed human
decency. Come on, you can do it. Cut the war crap and cut the human
barbarity crap and cut the dependency on government. Criminy, think
for yourselves for once and grow up. You getting all this?"
Thus spoke Mooses, "Yeah, I got it. What am I supposed to do now?"
Thus spoke the 'Voice of the Lard', "You're about thick as a brick, do
you know that?"
So Mooses was left in the wilderness all alone and wishing to high
heaven there was a running shower somewhere close. "You know, I
really do stink, now that I think about it. Okay, I could suppose that
I've got some explaining to do so, I'd better clean up and get busy."
Thus spoke the 'Voice of the Lard' for one last time, "Good luck,
chump. You're really going to need it!"
And Mooses left the wilderness that very afternoon and went in search
of a good shower and some airtime.
© by the author.
| | We're usually unable to forward readers'
emails, but both readers and authors are
invited to visit our 'dialogue' page
for two-way communication: |
| |
This is an archived Unknown News page. For newest material, visit our main page.
|
|
|
