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Military intelligence, or ...
An exercise in oxymoronic futility!
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by Don Nash, Unknown News
February 19, 2008
The United States military is secretly working on a new and
improved taser. The new and improved military version of the old
reliable taser will be a “nuclear”
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model. This baby will literally
melt your socks off if’n you happen to get tased by someone using
it. The military has dubbed this new wonder, the ‘neutron baton’.
Wow, that’s kind of catchy.
Now, the military has been out and about this new and improved
taser for sometime and our pals in the military are planning field
tests for their ‘neutron baton’ at the upcoming conventions being
staged this summer by the Republicons and the Democraps. Anyone with
any ideas about getting rowdy or anarchistic at the conventions, will
be met with a military field test that just might change one’s total
perspective in a blink. ZZZHHTT! Yikes. You know that has got to smart.
Now, you just might be asking yourself how a foolish buffoon such as
myself might be privy to secret military testing of nuclear tasers.
Well, I’m going to tell you all about it. Shish, did you think that
I’d make something like this up?
My pal Fig ‘Scroats’ Newton is a reservist in the US military. We’s
neighbors. Well, out here in the Gaza Strip, Utah/Nevada a neighbor
just might be only 50 or 60 miles down the road but we’s neighbors
all the same. Proximity is as an approximation does in these parts.
Scroats is in the Reserves and he’s fixin’ to get his arse shipped
out for Islamic parts unknown in about a month or so. Scroats is involved in
any of a number of military this-and-thats and some of it he can talk
about and some of it he can only hint at. The nuclear
taser is one of those things that he can “almost” talk about, and me
and Scroats being pals and all, he tells me stuff. Yeah, what he said.
So, the military has miniaturized a nuclear reactor that just fits
inside a handheld taser. Criminy, ain’t the freaking US military
just a veritable model of high-tech efficiency? Damn straight they
are. In about ten, fifteen years, just about any Amerikan will be
able to purchase a mini-reactor for their own personal use, but for
now Amerika will have
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I can vouch for the credibility of Scroats Newton.
He's a decorated war hero.
Scroats was wounded in the Battle of the Kandahar Cluster Fuck, so obviously, Scroats is a standup guy and knows what the hell he’s talking about.
And if anyone is thinking about making stupid or getting violently jiggy with the powers that be at this year’s upcoming presidential candidates’ coronation ceremonies, well, one just might want to think about it.
Twice!
Maybe three or four times.
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to satisfy itself with the comforting
knowledge that the US military has developed and implemented a
freaking nuclear taser and the military is to field test the thing at
the upcoming political conventions this summer.
Now, I can vouch for the credibility of Scroats Newton. He's a decorated war hero. Scroats was wounded in the Battle of the Kandahar Cluster Fuck, and decorated for ‘bravery and
quick thinking in action and under fire’ by the US military.
According to Scroats, there was a friendly fire incident with
Pakistani intelligence operatives that started a miserably
depressing dust-up, and the US military had to go in and clean up
the freaking mess and Scroats got caught in the crossfire of the
clean up. He refers to his medal as his cluster fucking clean-up badge.
So obviously, Scroats is a standup guy and knows what the hell
he’s talking about. And if anyone is thinking about making stupid or getting violently
jiggy with the powers that be at this year’s upcoming presidential
candidates’ coronation ceremonies, well, one just might want to think
about it. Twice! Maybe three or four times.
You heard it here first: The US military is
planning to field test some brand spanky new riot controlling gear,
and opposition to Amerika’s status quo won’t be tolerated, it'll
be used as the excuse necessary to nuke the bejesus out of all
those pesky dissident types that most of mainstream Amerika finds
so utterly deplorable.
Scroats tells me that the new and improved taser leaves one hell of
a mark. The lasting effects include and are not limited to ‘glow in
the dark’ scarring and some burning nausea that lingers for
days and days. He also tells me that one of the military
applications includes the ability for the “user” to use the neutron
baton with one hand while simultaneously triggering the start
mechanism for a new military riot shotgun that fires pepper spray
cluster bombs that have been miniaturized for just such a riot
controlling drill. After all, Amerika, this is military-industrial
application of new technologies at it’s very best. Golly, this almost
leaves any Amerikan proud as proud can be. Gosh, Amerika is Number One!
© by the author.
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