Well, howdy, Doug & Jeff. I'd say I'm pleased to meet you, but truthfully I'm just perplexed.

Is this the way you usually start a conversation -- by telling strangers they're crazy, bitter, hateful, paranoid, out of touch with reality, kooky, wrong, and liars?

If you think we're mistaken about something, please cite a specific headline, a paragraph, a sentence, a fact, something, anything -- whatever it is you think we've gotten wrong. Without that clue I don't know what we have to chat about.

Or if you just wanted to spray us with vitriol, then I reckon your work is done and you can pat each other on the back.

Helen & Harry

Not knowing whom we've hated, what we've justified, who the super-smart math dude might be, or what we've ever written or published that Loseaneye might be responding to, we'll offer a small prize: The bumper sticker of your choice to anyone who can guess what Loseaneye is responding to and thus make Loseaneye's email make sense. And Loseaneye, you're eligible to enter the contest!

Helen & Harry

Yes, especially after yesterday's big Thanksgiving meal, but it's a problem we've been working on all morning.

Or is there something we've written or published, which you believe to have been in error? If so, you're invited to make your arguments clear, perhaps even using multi-syllable words.

Helen & Harry

Perhaps you need directory assistance. Do you know whom you're e-mailing or why? You seem to be spouting standard-issue hate-based Rush Limbaugh lies about the Democratic Party, but we're not the Democratic Party.

If you imagine that you have something to say, I'll cheerfully ask once more: Is there something we've written or published, which you believe to have been in error?

Or perhaps I should ask, is there something we've written or published, that you've read or even skimmed?

Helen & Harry

Your three emails were triggered, you say, by an article you read at Rense. But you can't tell us which article, or why you would email us about an article at Rense? And so it goes, and we're the ones who are full of shit ... :)

I often wonder what goes on in the musty minds of people who can't converse, but due to time constraints the wondering ends here. Helixgr has used his three-fart allotment, so any further email from him will now be auto-sorted straight into the trash, where it belongs.

Helen & Harry

Our postal address is not difficult to find. Click "Contact us" at the top of any page on our website. And you won't be the first to send soiled toilet tissue.

If the other end of your body works as well, you might consider sending us something thoughtful, perhaps pointing out the specific concept or article that gave you the bizarre misconception that we're terrorist-lovers or America-haters. We've never said, implied, or endorsed such silly opinions.

Helen & Harry

That, sir or madam, was one of the sweetest hate mails we've ever received, and to think, it was written by a manufactured cookie.

As we ask all our hate mailers, though, could you possibly point to one specific item, or better yet two, that matches your criticism? We'll take your criticisms seriously, if only you can cite a page, a paragraph, or even a sentence where we've been unfactual, incorrect, or philosophically naïve.

Helen & Harry

Even a cursory look around our site will reveal that we're not "Sirs," we're a married man and woman. So you've begun with a mistake in your first word, and sent a completely bland collection of insults, slurs, and threats, all of which could have been concocted by a preschooler with a dirty mouth.

If you're not a preschooler, are you honest and intelligent enough to point out even one lie on our website (where, you say, everything we publish is a lie)? Can you point out any factually incorrect statement anywhere on our website?

If so, we'll be happy to chat with you.

If not, you've soiled yourself, and exposed yourself as just another rightwing liar, and we'd rather chat with an unflushed toilet.

Helen & Harry

I'm always amused when strangers take the trouble to email an insult. I just wonder, what on earth is in your head? Do you imagine that your opinion matters to me? Do you suppose I'll burst into tears and my day will be ruined, because you've taken the trouble to email an insult? Earl, I was tougher than that by kindergarten.

If you want your opinion to matter to me, show me that you're someone whose opinion I should respect, someone capable of an intelligent conversation. Are you up to that challenge? Can you, for example, point out one factually incorrect statement from "all the lies" on our website? If you could do even that, I'd be impressed, but sir, I ain't impressed yet.

Helen & Harry

Your ignorance is well matched with your senility, Earl. And of course, that's a statement of fact, certainly not an insult.

Here's another fact: It's been giggleworthy chatting with you, but we're now blocking your email address, so any further emails from you will be auto-filtered into our trash. Perhaps a bright kid in your neighborhood can explain to you what that means.

Helen & Harry

We're too young to be authentic hippies, we're employed, and in the nine months we've lived in Madison, we haven't yet found (or looked for) a marijuana supplier.

If you're intelligent enough to discuss politics, please point out something we've gotten factually or philosophically incorrect. Or is that too much to ask?

Helen & Harry

Ann has a point? She said none of the things you've said, and she didn't say anything as coherent as what you've said. And we've discussed the red state/blue state phenomenon, but we don't do any "constant harping about the stupidity of Southerners."

We're not trying to draw flies. We encourage challenging comments, and ponder them if there's anything to ponder. We're speaking our minds, saying things we believe need to be said, and we're willing to listen to contrary perspectives. But we're not going to make any special effort to soften what we say, to keep from offending Ann, you, or anyone else.

If our website is too brutal for you, click elsewhere. There are many places where folks are much nicer than we are.

Helen & Harry

Unknown News is not run by Mr and Mrs Gandhi, or by Spock-like emotionless automatons. It's run by my wife and I, two human beings who put a lot of time, a lot of work into it.

So when complete strangers (like Ann and now you) send rude and obviously disingenious comments about what we do or how we do it, we'll react like the humans we are -- the same Bronx response we'd give if someone shouted insults at us on the sidewalk.

If you don't like being treated like an asshole, LTR, don't drop your drawers, bend over and fart in front of us.

Helen & Harry

I'm sure you'll be back, taunting us for as long as Yahoo gives out free email accounts. But yes, it's farewell for now, at least for "Jay Dewey."

Helen & Harry

How sad and shallow, that "Fuck off and die, shithead" is your best political point. Presumably you're in a leadership position at a conservative think tank?

Helen & Harry

The person who explained Orwell's writing to you was either pulling your leg or setting you up. Your insults could have been typed by a bright second-grader, albeit with better spelling and punctuation. And my, what a lovely email address you have.

Sweet prince, if you disagree with something we've written, published, or linked to, please begin by citing and explaining what we've gotten wrong.

Helen & Harry

It's a flattering invitation, but we’d rather discuss the issues. Are you capable of a discussion?

Helen & Harry

A troublesome preschooler can say "fuck you." It's really not as impressive as you think.

Again I ask cordially, are you capable of an intelligent, coherent conversation?

Helen & Harry

Your logic, of course, is unassailable, so we'll yield to your clearly superior intellect, patriotism, or whatever.

We won't be hearing from you again (we've blocked your email address), so this will be our farewell.

Peace, and God bless America,

Helen & Harry

Women with a painted dot on their foreheads are generally Hindu, not Muslim. Muslims don't do dots, don't eat mud, are not monkeys, and deserve human rights -- as do the Hindu, as do all of us.

We believe freedom is the fundamental human right, but we know that America's occupation of Iraq has nothing to do with freedom except to end it for many thousands. In Iraq, prior to the American attack, women had more legal rights than in virtually any other middle eastern country. Iraq, prior to the American attack, was not a 16th century nation. Its cities were modern places, with cars and personal computers and video games.

Your worst fallacy is your email address's implication that you're a patriot. "True patriot," my ass. You're the kind of un-questioning "patriot" who would have fought with the Tories in 1776.

And I doubt you'll even understand what that means.

If you're not a mental fart, please say something that doesn't smell like passing gas. I challenge you -- hell, I dare you to read anything we've published, find an error of logic, philosophy, or fact, and point it out in a coherent manner. That would be "dialogue," and I'll wager that would be beyond you.

Need help? Our articles are here, our philosphy is here, our daily dialogue is here, and our perspective on current events is here.

Helen & Harry

A first-grader can type "very dumb cunt." Are you bright enough to explain what we're incorrect about, or where we've committed "sidition" (presumably sedition), by citing a specific article, concept, dialogue, or perspective on the news?

I doubt it.

Helen & Harry